I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
