Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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