When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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