i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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