meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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