I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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