omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
