I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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