No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
