Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
