It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
