Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
