She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
