Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Mom said you looked used
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
