fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
