You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
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Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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