Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
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Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
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You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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