I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize