LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's always time for handjobs
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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