If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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