doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
