Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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