The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
