my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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