My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
