if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Still dying that you shit outside
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize
