Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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