Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize