I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
