Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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