Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
