I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
