I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
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