I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
