i need an iv and a liver transplant
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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