I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
