that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
