I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
This baby is an asshole
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
