Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
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You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
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I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize