This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
