Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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