mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
