I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Randomize
