I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
