You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
