Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
