The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
