our cab driver is having phone sex.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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