I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sext me about skeletons
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
