I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
