I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
