I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
