I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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