He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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