Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
