Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Mom said you looked used
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
