When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
